If you’ve been watching TV recently, you may have seen the commercials for the new Axe Body Spray for women. Let me repeat that. Axe. Body. Spray. FOR WOMEN. This truly blew me away.
For years, Axe Body Spray has been the uncontested douchebag heavyweight of the fragrance world. The Ed Hardy of cologne, the Fred Durst of fragrance, the Shake Weight of scent.
You know the guy who wears this stuff. He’s the guy who has UFC viewing parties where he practices submission holds with his buddies, calling them all fags while he prays that nothing moves downstairs. He’s uttered the phrase, “YOU WANNA GO?!” more times in his life than he’s mustered a simple, “thank you.” He’s seen Blink 182 3 times…since 2005. On multiple occasions, he’s thought to himself, “You know, I don’t think The Situation’s that bad of a guy.” He’s the type of bro who uploads footage of Hines Ward’s best illegal crackback blocks to YouTube set to Click Click Boom.
Simply put, he’s fucking scum.
But finally, it’s not just men who get to smell like the carpet at a strip club, ladies can too!
Women, the picture of elegance, taste, and style. They’re demure, they’re tactful, they have class. Mysterious and subtle. Sexy. Confident.
These, of course, are NOT the sort that will be purchasing Axe for Women.
Oh no, the kind of women buying this shit are the kind of women that allow stand-up sixty nining on the first date. The sort of chick that can really connect to a Ke$ha lyric. On numerous occasions, they’ve thought to themselves, “I’d probably still at least go down on Bret Michaels.” The sort of girl who works a double shift at Buffalo Wild Wings while her two month old sleeps in the white Dodge Neon (windows up, Juggalo sticker on the back) in the parking lot.
But what really perplexes me about this item is not the people who wear it, it’s what the smell must be like. What scent are they capturing that really stays true to the Axe image, while updating it just enough for women?
I’d imagine that the scientists over at Axe have been able to perfectly capture the fragrance of the panties of the runner-up on a Real World/Road Rules challenge and somehow packaged it into bottle form.
On their website, the official description reads:
“Axe Anarchy For Her is a feminine mix of sparkling fruity notes, (apple, blackberry) with soft florals at the heart and a light finish of sandalwood, amber. and vanilla. The fragrance is delicate and fun, designed to be used throughout the day.”
Wow, that’s quite lofty language coming from a company used exclusively by men whose closest connection to college is a Beer Pong table and a Boondock Saints DVD. So, because of this, I know it’s hard for some of you ladies out there to make sense of that copy, so I’ve gone ahead and translated it for you:
“Axe Anarchy For Her is a whorish clusterfuck of stagnant stale odors, (vodka, Kathy Griffin’s taint) with broken glass at the throat and a heavy finish of regret, bad credit, and Myrtle Beach. The fragrance is drunk and sloppy, designed to be used when you want to give off the impression I will literally let you fuck me in front of everyone at this Daughtry concert.
So I guess, in conclusion, my reaction to this product is one of abject disgust, but not surprise. I’m disgusted that there are women out there that will purchase Axe for Women. Women who will spray this aromatic anthrax onto their bodies and head out to the club (or to work at the Hip Hop Abs kiosk in the mall. It’s right next to the Fushigi stand, you can’t miss it). It’s gross, that much is for sure.
But, in a world where an asshole like Guy Fieri is laughing a trail of bacon bits all the way to the bank, Housewives have become millionaires, and Snooki has entered the national vernacular, I’m certainly not surprised that douche is the scent de jour.